Cyrus Broacha's column for the WSD newsletter

A household name in India, MTV’s popular VJ has some very original views on street dogs.

A dog’s ravings as interpreted by Cyrus Broacha.

Woofaste to one and all! Oh and season’s greetings! And may you rot in hell all you dog haters. Folks I’m real sorry I haven’t been that regular, but as that famous cross between a Mexican Chihuahua and a Rhodesian Ridgeback Christina Aguilera would say, what’s a girl to do? To be honest I’ve been writing for many different newspapers from all over. Like The ‘Swedish Sheepdog’s Spectator,’ the ‘Czechoslovakian Canine,’ and even the ‘Harre Hound.’ Most of these columns allow me to answer queries from both dogs and dog owners. In this piece I’d like to share the most common queries.

Q. I’d like to purchase a dog. Where and how could I get one?

This question really gets me mad. My blood boils and the ticks die immediately of food poisoning. Firstly, remember it’s not whether the dog’s good enough for you but if you are good enough for the dog. You must pass a test showing you have the time, patience, love and respect to look after a dog. If you are of sound mind and good character, if you are willing to give quality time to the dog, then after adequate training maybe, just maybe, you’ll be good enough for the doggie and he’ll lower his standards and let you in.

Q. I’ve had a Pomeranian for the last 7 years. Now that I’m getting married, my ma-in-law won’t allow my dog ‘China’ to live with us. What to do?

Annul the marriage. Change the mother-in-law. A pact with a dog once in place is unconditional and lifelong, and cannot, I repeat, cannot be broken.

If your ma-in-law won’t bend, get rid of her. If your wife won’t bend, get rid of her too. There! Your Pomeranian has already done you two favours so what are you prepared to do for your dog? Huh?

Q. My dog seems to cause an allergy for me. I’m always sneezing around him!

For every medical journal telling you dogs cause allergies, there are ten that show you multiple health benefits from living with a canine. Cure your allergy with right thinking, right living and exercise. Don’t blame the dog, or you’ll land up like that bad carpenter who blames his drill. Speaking of drill, there’s a new Doberman in town with an exquisite physique. Time to show him “what a girl can do.” Take care. Woofaste.